Ever heard the expression spiralling out of control? Ever feel that life feels like that sometimes? Like when everything piles up and you feel like you can barely keep your head above water? That you are doing nothing well and you are disappointing everybody?
Well, welcome to my life right now. And I vowed I wouldn't go there again. I started a new job about 6 months ago and I declared it a fresh start. That I wasn't going to be a workaholic anymore. I wasn't going to prioritize work over family, and I didn't need success at work to feel like a worthy person. I no longer needed to use work to fill the emptiness I felt in other parts of my life, and I wasn't going to work to the point of exhaustion. And yet last night sitting in front of my laptop at 9:30pm, after having got up at 5am that morning to work (for the 6th morning in a row), I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my glasses on my face. They kept slipping off. And it made me want to cry. Yes, a silly little thing like my glasses slipping off my face made me want to cry. We get to that point sometimes don't we? When something so insignificant is more than we can take. Because that little something is piled on top of so many other little somethings that together they are giant something. And we've hit our limit. Our tipping point.
So reaching that tipping point last night, I went to bed. I couldn't think anymore so what was the point? And I could get up at 5am again to work anyway. Which I did do this morning. But I also woke up with a pretty important realization. Funny how a good night's sleep has a way of doing that - bringing clarity to something without any conscious thought. I woke up realizing that with all this work over the last few weeks I had let my Kaiut practice go. While I usually practice, even just a pose or two every single day, I had only practiced a few times in the last couple of weeks. I was sacrificing my practice for work, but in fact I was sacrificing much more. I was sacrificing my peace of mind, my ability to keep things in perspective and to stay present in the moment. I was sacrificing seeing my emotions as simply reactions to things and not who I am. I was sacrificing staying grounded.
To stop spiralling out of control, I need to get back to the mat to spiral in to control instead - to spiral in the right direction, in a positive direction, in a productive direction. When life gets super busy, taking the time to practice isn't indulgent, its critical. That's when practicing is more necessary than ever.