When I feel, I really really feel. Whether it is a good emotion or a bad emotion I go to the edge. And much of the time it’s a bad emotion so it’s not so fun. And it’s not that fun for those around me either. Francisco pointed out to me once that I complain much of the time, which shocked me. I didn’t know I was a complainer. I hate complainers.
Over the last few years my emotions have truly defined me. I have lived my life by them. Which to me seemed perfectly normal. I never questioned it. I questioned, blamed or hated what was causing the emotion but never the emotion itself. After all, my emotions are me.
Well, not so.
Francisco speaks about how your emotions are something that happen to you. He suggests that when I start to feel negative emotions rising up I should look inside and just observe what the emotion is without acting on it. Just notice it. Feel where it is arising - in the mind or in the chest - and observe. What is it that I am feeling? Is it fear? Is it anger? Or something else?
Through simple observation its source often reveals itself and its not what just happened to you. Emotions are a primal thing. They happen on a primal level. So you can’t think your way to understanding them. You need to create space to allow the energy behind it to surface. And often what you are feeling is related to something that happened way back. Something from when you were a child. It touched you deeply and new experiences in adulthood wake that sensation up. They transport you energetically to that moment long ago.
So today, when I am feel panic rising, when something really stresses me out, when I feel like I have failed miserably, I remind myself that it is not real. It is not what is happening today. It is something from the past pushing its way into today. And thus, I look away. I remind myself that I can’t rely on what I am feeling. Emotions can’t always be trusted.